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University Hunks Hold a Butt Contest for a Radio Station  

Butt Contest

[Dave] It's 7:37. It's David and Shawn here. And outside on the streets, the men of OSU calendar, Jimmy Jam the hairy man, and our own Matt Harris. To play a little game called, one of these things is not like the other.

[Dials Phone]

[Matt] Hello?

[Dave] Hey Merv?

[Matt] Hey. It's Merv Dunbar.

[Dave] Hey, Merv Dunbar. Now where are you now?

[Matt] Ah, Somewhere on the High Street.

[Dave] OK, Now describe the scene. Who do you have and what Are you going to do?

[Matt] I have the, wait, I have to figure out the official title again, the Hot University Hunks or the Cool College Men, depending on which version you want. I've got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 months represented here. And I've got two gals, well actually, see, I'm going to walk away and tell the secret: [Whispers] Jimmy Jam is one of these guys.

[Shawn] Are the girls blindfolded or something?

[Matt] Not yet. They will be. Now, what's your name?

[Girl #1] Julie.

[Matt] Julie and?

[Girl #2] Gina.

[Matt] Julie and Gina are our judges here. Now, we've got these fine calendars to give as a prize. Have you seen the calendars? I better hide this guy's face because he is the guy, but anyway, these guys are right in front of you. Except one of them, is not actually in this calendar.

[Dave] How many guys, Matt?

[Matt] Six.

[Dave] Okay, six guys. We told them all to strike the same pose.

[Matt] Okay, strike a pose the have in the calendar. If you can without lying down. Strike a pose, give it the eyes.

[Dave] You should see Jimmy on the end.

[Matt] This is about the funniest damn thing I've ever saw. Oh well one person was really funny actually. Now, which one of these guys do you think, isn't in this calendar? One of these guys isn't actually a University hunk. The other 5, or other 4 actually are in this calendar. Let me, what month are you guys?

[Anthony] March.

[Don Handfield] The front cover and January.

[Joe] April.

[Jimmy Jam] October.

[Chris] June.

[Matt] June, okay.

[Dave] Somewhere in there was Jimmy. Like I couldn't tell.

[Girl #1] Is it a local calendar?

[Matt] It's a local calendar. These are all OSU people. It's hard to believe it though local isn't it? But one these guys is not in this calendar. Let's see the pose again fellas.

[Shawn] Strike a pose. Vogue.

[Dave] Wait, Matt, put put...

[Matt] they are really debating, they're just afraid the answer I think. You can tell me secretly. Which one?

[Girl#1] I think its October because he is pudgy.

[Matt] You think it's October because these chubby?

[Girl#1] He had his shirt on, so.

[Matt] Which one do you think is not in the calendar? Go ahead and take a shot.

[Girl#2] I think it's a guy in the glasses.

[Matt] Hey October, they don't think you're in the calendar.

[Jimmy jam]: I wasn't wearing my glasses in the calendar. That's the only difference. Take a good look here. Here's my pose again. What do you mean I was in the calendar?

[Matt] I can't believe they got it right. You nailed it. It was unbelievable. Should I have one other test?

[Dave] Oh, yeah this is fun.

[Matt] Now, we're going to blindfold you. Close your eyes or I'll trust you. Come over here guys. Turn around. And by the butt feel, tell me which one of these guys is not in the calendar. Hey, you can step in here too. Another woman just walked by. We are throwing her into the mix.

[Dave] Okay Matt. Matt in other words, run the blindfold these women, they're going to touch these guys butts, and based on the feel, one of these butts...

[Matt] They're going to tell me what which one of these butts is not calendar worthy.

[Dave] One of these butts is not like the other.

[Matt] That's right. One of these guys are only shown from the front, so, you know, Jimmy's got a shot in this one.

[Dave] I doubt it.

[Matt] Alright, Close your eyes. If you guys could feel up. Come on, you can go first. Turnarounds, pick up your keys. Oh, we've got scarves to blindfold them with. This is nice. Okay, close your eyes and touch butt. Touch the butt.

[Girl #1] Where are they at?

[Matt] Feel around until you find it. Okay, there you go. Next?

[Matt] How'd that feel?

[Girl #1] Calendar worthy.

[Matt] Okay, good.

[Matt] All right, keep your eye shut. How was that one?

[Girl #2] Ah, fat.

[Matt] Fat? That was Jimmy by the way.

[Matt] Next. How does it feel?

[Matt] A woman just walked off the bus, just stood in line and started feeling butts. I don't think she knew what was going on our cares. She stuck her hand out. I think we have one more left. Now close your eyes. Go ahead and feel. Feel away. Okay which one of those felt the least worthy of calendar-ness?

[Girl #2] I still think it's the second one.

[Matt] The second one.

[Girl #3] It was the second one.

[Matt] The second one was not calendar worthy? You agree too? And by the way, Jimmy you lose again!

[Matt] Now, there's all kinds of women just lining up to fill butts. I'm gonna start making a lot of money. We're gonna bring these guys back in.

[Dave] Yeah bring the hunks back in. Matt good job. Leave Jimmy out there. Bye dude.

Originally published Oct. 29, 1993. Story © WNCI's Morning Zoo 97.9 FM. This text is exactly as published.

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